The Future

So I've made a sort of decision about my life. It's only a sort of decision because at this point I don't know how the rest of the semester is going to go and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when I get back to the States. All I know is that my future is no longer as certain as it use to be, something that pains me a great deal. My life made a huge turn around once I decided what I wanted in my future and now that, that has changed it makes everything I've been working towards seem kind of pointless. Anyway, here's the sort of decision I've made: I'm not going to try and get a job in London immediately after graduation. I'm not even entirely sure I want to work in radio anymore, but I don't really have any alternatives either. It's not as if there's a lot you can do with a music degree. I could go into teaching, but I don't really consider that an option since I'd probably hate working in public schools and hate working with private school snobs (unless I could work at Stuart Hall, but that would be weird and mean living in Staunton.) All I can say with some certainty is that I don't want to live in London until I know exactly what I want. I don't think I could go through an identity crisis so far away from everything I've ever known. I'm having a hard enough time as it is, but the thought of having to make a whole new set of friends, deal with an entirely different set of social mores all while freaking out about whether I actually want to be in the field I've chosen seems like a one way ticket to disaster.
The other thing I feel confident in is that I've lost the sense of what makes me, me. For all my bitching and moaning about nobody knowing what I'm talking about, I identify as the misfit outsider. I thought it would be so great being in a country where everyone knew and liked the things I know and like, but thus far it hasn't been so great. I think the biggest problem is that despite the plethora of common interests, I haven't really met anyone like me. It would seem, and this is based on both my experience in the States and here, that you can't be a sci-fi/fantasy geek who's really into music and obsessed with history at a certain age. You have to either be a geek/nerd or cool kid. You can't be both at my age for some reason, at least in the UK. It's incredibly frustrating and demoralizing, especially when you consider how high school it is. In the end though I would rather be in a country where nobody knows what I'm talking about and being accepted for all the facets of my personality than in a country where you get shoved into one category and that's it until you're in your 30's (at which point you can be all the things you actually are.)
This past summer, my therapist at the time said I should visit London before making a final decision on if I wanted to live there for the rest of my life. I told her that's why I was so determined to study abroad in London. I'm glad I've done this, if only because now I know how completely unsure I am of living in this city. It's sad, but I guess I've been building this place up for so long it's not surprising that it's disappointed me. I just wish it hadn't.