Apple scrufs. Claymates. Victims. Chiefs and Chiefettes. Rabid fans. Fanatics. Just a few words that describe the hopelessly devoted. We listen to every single, cling to every quote and pray that our idol(s) will come to an arena/club/theater nearby. We crave them, learn everything we can about them. I personally make it my mission to know everyone's name in the group and what instrument they play, so I will never be confused. We make up cute nicknames (at least I do) and refer to them by first name, as they're our best friends. Some mock us, but the bands ultimately appreciate us. We give them votes and money. Yes, it is sort of depressing fans have with their idols. The idols love us for our devotion, no matter how horriblly they act, no matter how crappy their music gets, and we love them in turn for breathing, smiling, singing, beating on drums etc. In the end though each camp benefits. The fans give the stars their stardom, and the fans get something to enjoy. Not a perfect relationship, but one that has been going on for decades now. I'm just glad to be a part of it.
I'm in a relatively good mood today. Wish I felt better, but then again Sundays weren't made to be wonderful days. I'm actually feeling very blah-ish, but then there hasn't been a day in the past month or so where that hasn't been true. I know I'm depressed, but it's the kind of depression I've felt for so long that it doesn't faze, doesn't feel weird. It's my reaction to stress. I'm glad though that I'm not at Stu. Somehow I think things would be worse if I weren't here. I know for a fact I'd be eating a pizza right now, all by myself thank you very much. I won't look back, I know I can't. I don't have the energy to save anyone anymore. I'm using all my extra energy trying to save myself and I don't think I'm doing a very good job of it. I'm starting to ramble so I'll move on.
I've applied for my first job. I applied to be a sales clerk at Books-A-Million today. The nice cashier guy said he would give it to the manager and that I'd here from him in a few days. The place was pratically deserted, but then again it is Memorial Day weekend. Maybe its busier during the week. Anyway, I'm very excited and I really, really, hope I get hired. Wish me luck mes copains!!
29.5.05
22.5.05
Happy Endings
Leaning against the window watching the rain, feeling happy, knowing I'll be home in a few hours. {8th grade trip}
Watching a slightly fuzzy image play across the TV making music I didn't think could be made. {Watching Mr. Brightside for the first time}
Squeeling in utter delight as he smiles from the screen. {Watching Help! for the first time in years}
Clapping "off" beat, pissing my sister off. {The Ben Folds concert I went to last year}
Singing with the chorus for my final time, knowing that I can't really cry. {End of the performance at the end of 9th grade}
Wondering what these goofs were sayingover the PA system as I walk around the shop, CD in hand. {First time I heard Kaiser Chiefs over spring break}
Rediscovering the magic that had enchanted me all those years ago. {Listening to the Beatles}
Singing as loudly as I can to ward off all my pain, knowing it won't work, but I'll be damned if every last person won't be able to hear me. {8th and 9th grade}
Annoying Avery with my singing, even if she won't admit that she can hear me. {8th grade}
Critiqueing every singer I've ever heard, secretly knowing that only 2 people can sing better than me.
Jumping octaves when the guys go to low, or the girls go to high.
Cursing my second soprano/alto range.
Learning lyrics as fast as I can so I can sing along, showing off the pipes that God gave me.
Creating whole scenes from songs that I love, and wondering if anyone else could understand them. {9th grade and summer before 10th grade}
Wondering why people didn't love this stuff as much as I do.
Singing for my happy ending.
{These are the memories I think of when I listen to songs. The things that flash through my head as this year draws to a close. I have a month and a day left in this school year. Normally around this time I would be a description of each of my classes, thinking of songs to dedicate to the year. I think I'll do that later though. I don't want to jinx what little luck I might have left by ending the year to quickly. I've just been thinking about this stuff. I've been very contemplative recently. I suppose it's because thats how I am when I'm depressed. I slink into the back of my mind and think of all the things that have passed. This is just my way of letting you into my twisted brain. I put {} around specific memories. Some of what I've written I still do. Some of it is still true. But now I have one last thing to give you. They're two lyrics set in between a play. The songs are soulmates, the play their "father." I hope you appreciate the connection as much as I did this morning as I was washing dishes. And keep in mind that this how my brain works. Random connections that actually make sense.}
Shangri-la{r as Ray Davies sings}
Now that you've found your paradise
This is your Kingdom to command
You can go outside and polish your car
Or sit by the fire in your Shangri-la
Here is your reward for working so hard
Gone are the lavatories in the back yard
Gone are the days when you dreamed of that car
You just want to sit in your Shangri-la
Put on your slippers and sit by the fire
You've reached your top and you just can't get any higher
You're in your place and you know where you are
In your Shangri-la
Sit back in your old rocking chair
You need not worry, you need not care
You can't go anywhere
Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la
The little man who gets the train
Got a mortgage hanging over his head
But he's too scared to complain
'Cos he's conditioned that way
Time goes by and he pays off his debts
Got a TV set and a radio
For seven shillings a week
Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la
And all the houses in the street have got a name
'Cos all the houses in the street they look the same
Same chimney pots, same little cars, same window panes
The neighbors call to tell you things that you should know
They say their lines, they drink their tea, and then they go
They tell your business in another Shangri-la
The gas bills and the water rates, and payments on the car
Too scared to think about how insecure you are
Life ain't so happy in your little Shangri-la
Shangri-la, Shangri-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Put on your slippers and sit by the fire
You've reached your top and you just can't get any higher
You're in your place and you know where you are
In your Shangri-la
Sit back in your old rocking chair
You need not worry, you need not care
You can't go anywhere
Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la
Death of a Salesmen
Jingle Jangle
Watch your children around the abandoned well
Don't ask me to tell if they slipped and fell
I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand
And the perfect plan that should pull me out
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Jingle jangle that's the sound of coins
Spent on useless toys made for useless boys
I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand
There's a piece of land that I got my eye on
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Friday night I'll raise my glass and say
"Tomorrow things will change! I can't afford to wait."
But by Monday morning my alarm clock knows
How this story goes and the ending's the same as the start
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Watch your children around the abandoned well
Don't ask me to tell if they slipped and fell
I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand
And the perfect plan that I'm working on
Watching a slightly fuzzy image play across the TV making music I didn't think could be made. {Watching Mr. Brightside for the first time}
Squeeling in utter delight as he smiles from the screen. {Watching Help! for the first time in years}
Clapping "off" beat, pissing my sister off. {The Ben Folds concert I went to last year}
Singing with the chorus for my final time, knowing that I can't really cry. {End of the performance at the end of 9th grade}
Wondering what these goofs were sayingover the PA system as I walk around the shop, CD in hand. {First time I heard Kaiser Chiefs over spring break}
Rediscovering the magic that had enchanted me all those years ago. {Listening to the Beatles}
Singing as loudly as I can to ward off all my pain, knowing it won't work, but I'll be damned if every last person won't be able to hear me. {8th and 9th grade}
Annoying Avery with my singing, even if she won't admit that she can hear me. {8th grade}
Critiqueing every singer I've ever heard, secretly knowing that only 2 people can sing better than me.
Jumping octaves when the guys go to low, or the girls go to high.
Cursing my second soprano/alto range.
Learning lyrics as fast as I can so I can sing along, showing off the pipes that God gave me.
Creating whole scenes from songs that I love, and wondering if anyone else could understand them. {9th grade and summer before 10th grade}
Wondering why people didn't love this stuff as much as I do.
Singing for my happy ending.
{These are the memories I think of when I listen to songs. The things that flash through my head as this year draws to a close. I have a month and a day left in this school year. Normally around this time I would be a description of each of my classes, thinking of songs to dedicate to the year. I think I'll do that later though. I don't want to jinx what little luck I might have left by ending the year to quickly. I've just been thinking about this stuff. I've been very contemplative recently. I suppose it's because thats how I am when I'm depressed. I slink into the back of my mind and think of all the things that have passed. This is just my way of letting you into my twisted brain. I put {} around specific memories. Some of what I've written I still do. Some of it is still true. But now I have one last thing to give you. They're two lyrics set in between a play. The songs are soulmates, the play their "father." I hope you appreciate the connection as much as I did this morning as I was washing dishes. And keep in mind that this how my brain works. Random connections that actually make sense.}
Shangri-la{r as Ray Davies sings}
Now that you've found your paradise
This is your Kingdom to command
You can go outside and polish your car
Or sit by the fire in your Shangri-la
Here is your reward for working so hard
Gone are the lavatories in the back yard
Gone are the days when you dreamed of that car
You just want to sit in your Shangri-la
Put on your slippers and sit by the fire
You've reached your top and you just can't get any higher
You're in your place and you know where you are
In your Shangri-la
Sit back in your old rocking chair
You need not worry, you need not care
You can't go anywhere
Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la
The little man who gets the train
Got a mortgage hanging over his head
But he's too scared to complain
'Cos he's conditioned that way
Time goes by and he pays off his debts
Got a TV set and a radio
For seven shillings a week
Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la
And all the houses in the street have got a name
'Cos all the houses in the street they look the same
Same chimney pots, same little cars, same window panes
The neighbors call to tell you things that you should know
They say their lines, they drink their tea, and then they go
They tell your business in another Shangri-la
The gas bills and the water rates, and payments on the car
Too scared to think about how insecure you are
Life ain't so happy in your little Shangri-la
Shangri-la, Shangri-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Put on your slippers and sit by the fire
You've reached your top and you just can't get any higher
You're in your place and you know where you are
In your Shangri-la
Sit back in your old rocking chair
You need not worry, you need not care
You can't go anywhere
Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la, Shangri-la
Death of a Salesmen
Jingle Jangle
Watch your children around the abandoned well
Don't ask me to tell if they slipped and fell
I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand
And the perfect plan that should pull me out
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Jingle jangle that's the sound of coins
Spent on useless toys made for useless boys
I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand
There's a piece of land that I got my eye on
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Friday night I'll raise my glass and say
"Tomorrow things will change! I can't afford to wait."
But by Monday morning my alarm clock knows
How this story goes and the ending's the same as the start
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Another day, another night, another year
Another smile, another lie, another tear
This better not be all I got
I never thought I'd end up here
Watch your children around the abandoned well
Don't ask me to tell if they slipped and fell
I'm just a salesman with my suitcase in hand
And the perfect plan that I'm working on
20.5.05
3 Months vs. 2 weeks
It has been almost since I first heard the Killers. So it's been about 2 and half months since my complete dissent into popculture. God thats fucking scary.
I have almost a month left of school. Thats full weeks, not school weeks. And that sum includes the days I have off, as well as exam week. Stu on the other hand has about 10 days left. Mind you, I wish I had hell of a lot longer left in the school. I just don't know if I'm ready to be junior. I mean I was ready to be a freshmen, ready to be a sophmore, but I don't think I'm ready to be junior. I can't imagine being an "upperclassmen." I don't see myself as one of those people. Upperclassmen are cool, they have style, they know everything there is to know about all things popular. I don't know anything! I'm the biggest dork around. I'm not ready for that responsibility. I can barely handle the stresses of this year. I'm just scared shitless by it all.
Since I know Liz doesn't read this journal, I think I'll just mention now that I'm cutting any ties I had with her. She's changed into someone I don't want to be around. I can't really call her a slut, because thats not what she is. Liz is just someone I don't want to know anymore. Ah well.
toodles......
I have almost a month left of school. Thats full weeks, not school weeks. And that sum includes the days I have off, as well as exam week. Stu on the other hand has about 10 days left. Mind you, I wish I had hell of a lot longer left in the school. I just don't know if I'm ready to be junior. I mean I was ready to be a freshmen, ready to be a sophmore, but I don't think I'm ready to be junior. I can't imagine being an "upperclassmen." I don't see myself as one of those people. Upperclassmen are cool, they have style, they know everything there is to know about all things popular. I don't know anything! I'm the biggest dork around. I'm not ready for that responsibility. I can barely handle the stresses of this year. I'm just scared shitless by it all.
Since I know Liz doesn't read this journal, I think I'll just mention now that I'm cutting any ties I had with her. She's changed into someone I don't want to be around. I can't really call her a slut, because thats not what she is. Liz is just someone I don't want to know anymore. Ah well.
toodles......
15.5.05
Urrr
Urrrrrrrrr. I'm absolutly stuffed. I had the big ass burger for dinner, like 3 diet cokes and then I had a huge piece of mudd cake (bourbon, coffee, chocolate) and a cup of coffee. So not only am I super stuffed, but I won't be able to sleep for a good long time unfortunatly.
But in other news, Sophs has got me hooked on Hot Hot Heat. It's kinda like when I got hooked on the Killers. I keep trying to listen to something else, but I invarably start listening to Hot Hot Heat again. Mind when their first CD came out I constantly made fun of them for their name. Which is kinda ironic, because I'm fairely sure I completely disregarded Franzie too, and now I absolutly love them. But their new CD (Elevator for those of you who don't know, like me) is so addictive. I just want to listen and listen and listen and...well I think you get the point. They're so like the Kinks. I mean, they have the peppy up beat sound and tunes, but if you read the lyrics, my god. So cynical!! But thats the sort of thing that I love. I love cynical happiness. So anyway, I'm really, totally, and utterly addicted.
Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. So full. I'm actually kind of tired too.
So have a good week. I don't if I'll be able to update. I got reading to do, and I don't plan on updating. :smiles: Yeah.
:huggles Hot Hot Heat, Avers, and Liz:
But in other news, Sophs has got me hooked on Hot Hot Heat. It's kinda like when I got hooked on the Killers. I keep trying to listen to something else, but I invarably start listening to Hot Hot Heat again. Mind when their first CD came out I constantly made fun of them for their name. Which is kinda ironic, because I'm fairely sure I completely disregarded Franzie too, and now I absolutly love them. But their new CD (Elevator for those of you who don't know, like me) is so addictive. I just want to listen and listen and listen and...well I think you get the point. They're so like the Kinks. I mean, they have the peppy up beat sound and tunes, but if you read the lyrics, my god. So cynical!! But thats the sort of thing that I love. I love cynical happiness. So anyway, I'm really, totally, and utterly addicted.
Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. So full. I'm actually kind of tired too.
So have a good week. I don't if I'll be able to update. I got reading to do, and I don't plan on updating. :smiles: Yeah.
:huggles Hot Hot Heat, Avers, and Liz:
13.5.05
Lyrics
God I haven't done an entry like this in forever. I try to stay away from posting lyrics, but today I felt like posting a couple of songs because I want y'all to know I'm here and alive, but I don't really want to say anything. My life is so hectic right now and I'm under so much stress these days, that I don't want to write. Some how it just doesn't seem very theraputic. So instead I'll give you some lyrics. I hope you like them.
Auf Acshe (Franzy)
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done
Now you wish she'd never come back here again
Oh, never come back here again
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done
All These Things That I've Done
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on
If you've ever heard either of these songs, you know how they're suppose to go. If you havne't you really should. Both are ab-fab and definatly should be listned to. Well I'm off to go read "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency" by the all powerful Douglas Adams. I swear, the man is a genius. At least, I really like him. Anyway toodles...
Auf Acshe (Franzy)
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done
Now you wish she'd never come back here again
Oh, never come back here again
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
You see her, you can't touch her
You hear her, you can't hold her
You want her, you can't have her
You want to, but she won't let you
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done, boy
She's not so special so look what you've done
All These Things That I've Done
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out
You're gonna bring yourself down
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on
If you've ever heard either of these songs, you know how they're suppose to go. If you havne't you really should. Both are ab-fab and definatly should be listned to. Well I'm off to go read "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency" by the all powerful Douglas Adams. I swear, the man is a genius. At least, I really like him. Anyway toodles...
6.5.05
Fail Safe
Oy gravy. I gots a canker sour right between my bottom row of teeth and my bottom lip, like down in the valley area. Hurts like a mofo too. Yaargh!
:does little happy dance thing: FOUR KICKS!!! Love that song to death.
Guess what? No you actually have to guess...:waits:. I'm going to see the Killers at Merriweather Post Pavillion June 8. I'm tres, tres excited. And then July, I'm hoping to see t'Chiefs at the 9:30 club. I so want to see them live. Finally in August I get to see el Ben Folds once again at Wolftrap. I'm just happier than a clam. Except for this damn canker sour.
In other news, my chem teacher is the nicest person to ever walk the earth. I swear, she's just so sweet. And ya know what else? Annie gave me a hug. I mos def need hugs these days. I felt very appreciated.
Oy gravy boats, this damn canker sour is the devil. Speaking of devils, Mr. Million said something funny today in class:
Ya know whats a good boovie? Fail Safe. Sad, but a very good movie. Everyone go see it!! Culture thyself!! I'll go listen to the Zutons, since I've already seen the movie. Adios!
{p.s. If you're in a crazy mood, watch Dr. Strangelove, it's kinda the same thing as Fail Safe. Except w/o Henry Fonda. And the astronaut dude from I Dream of Genie. Still pretty close...}
Ooooh one other thing, do y'all like my layout? I like it...I'm really gone now, I swear...
:does little happy dance thing: FOUR KICKS!!! Love that song to death.
Guess what? No you actually have to guess...:waits:. I'm going to see the Killers at Merriweather Post Pavillion June 8. I'm tres, tres excited. And then July, I'm hoping to see t'Chiefs at the 9:30 club. I so want to see them live. Finally in August I get to see el Ben Folds once again at Wolftrap. I'm just happier than a clam. Except for this damn canker sour.
In other news, my chem teacher is the nicest person to ever walk the earth. I swear, she's just so sweet. And ya know what else? Annie gave me a hug. I mos def need hugs these days. I felt very appreciated.
Oy gravy boats, this damn canker sour is the devil. Speaking of devils, Mr. Million said something funny today in class:
Excepts, nobody in class knows who Charles Manson is, and my knowledge of the man is sketchy at best. I mean other than the fact that he got inspiration from the White Album. And that he's crazy. Nonetheless, it was quite funny."Charles Manson makes Osama bin Laden look like an angel. That man is the devil incarnate"
Ya know whats a good boovie? Fail Safe. Sad, but a very good movie. Everyone go see it!! Culture thyself!! I'll go listen to the Zutons, since I've already seen the movie. Adios!
{p.s. If you're in a crazy mood, watch Dr. Strangelove, it's kinda the same thing as Fail Safe. Except w/o Henry Fonda. And the astronaut dude from I Dream of Genie. Still pretty close...}
Ooooh one other thing, do y'all like my layout? I like it...I'm really gone now, I swear...
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