Because what I have to say is too long for twitter and because I've done enough emoting on there for one day I'm going to write here. As good an alternative as any. I feel like I've become a bitch machine. All I seem to do lately is complain and not do anything to change my situation. Granted a lot of what I've been complaining about are things that can't be changed over night or can't be changed at all. For instance I can't make Grad School move faster in telling me whether I've been accepted or not. There's a process and I can't change how quickly that process goes. Some might even say that by not uploading proof of my graduating from college until means that I've slowed down that process, though I don't think so since they didn't explicitly state that I needed to show them such proof. If they wanted it, they should have said so. Another example is law school. I can't change how law school works. I can't change their teaching methodology (the fancy word for which I can't think of right now) I can only change how annoyed it makes me. And thanks to other factors that I can't control or change, my level of annoyed-ness isn't going to be changing anytime soon either. So I'm left with being annoyed and not able to change anything. A final example is my family. I can't change my family. I can change my reaction to my family, but that's not something that's going to happen over night. In fact if I don't continue to see a therapist that reaction may never change and I'll have to live far, far away from them the rest of my life. Though I might end up doing that anyway. The thing is though, is that I hate complaining so much. I hate not being able to do anything about these things I can't change. I think because I spent so much of my life feeling impotent and not in control of my own life, I crave and demand a feeling of being in control. I don't like things being up in the air. Right now I'm waiting to hear from Grad School which will set off one of two chain of actions. The first chain is if I get in and the second if I don't. Depending on which chain is set off certain other things that are currently up in the air will be decided. For instance, if I don't get into Grad School I will apply to be on law review. If I do get into Grad School I will be able to flip the bird at my academic counselor and stop torturing myself with outlines. I will also have to figure out what I'm going to do with my stuff and other particulars, but I'm slightly more excited about not worrying about outlines. The other big thing that is up in the air is what I'm doing this summer. If I get into Grad School then the timing of my dream summer job won't be a problem and if I don't then it might be. And I hate all of this. I would like to know what is what and where is where and all that good stuff. Multiple people have commented to me in the past about how calm and collected I can be during stressful situations. What they don't understand is that exams and the like aren't what stress me out. It's not knowing about what happens next that stresses me out. I care more about the outcome of the exam than the actual exam itself, so while everyone else is relaxing after the last exam that's when I start freaking out. And right now all I seem to be doing is freaking out.