Cocker by Name, Cocker by Nature

So it's been awhile since I last did a proper update. This is for two reasons: a) not that much has been happening and b) I'm very tired. My heart's still recovering (which I now predict will not end until the end of the semester or I get a new boyfriend) and this week is mid-terms. My pen pal has convinced me that I really do need to listen to Pulp so I've doing that for the past day or so as well. Jarvis Cocker confuses me though. As I wrote in a note I made about him he is both constantly on the prowl for more sex and what would have happened if David Bowie had been from Sheffield and was into new wave. And I'm dead serious when I say that. On the other hand I can't help but associate him with an episode of NMTB were he's doing this really stupid looking dance to "Common People" and then (this was a connections round) being associated with the lead singer from Spandau Ballet (I'm not going to tell you how their connected, it's too confusing.) So on the one hand I have this guy who sounds like sex but reminds me of NMTB. It's very confusing for me poor brain. In any event, I've listened to Different Class almost twice through and I still like Blur better. I've got one more album I need to listen to and hopefully my brain won't explode from listening to Mr. Cocker's voice too much.
In other news, UMW is having a con. On a Sunday. And Ben Folds is coming to play on a Monday. The scheduling at this school is very strange. Speaking of scheduling I've decided that I'm going to take elementary astronomy for my science requirement because I really like stars. I have one more class to choose (none of my other required classes are being offered next semester) and I'll have a full schedule. Of course I'll also be counting down the days till I'm in London (because I will be in London a year from now dammit.) So yeah, scheduling and Mary Washicon. I'm not cosplaying, but see no point in not going. It's all of five minutes from my room. :shrugs:
I've been wearing the hat and keep getting compliments, which I find strange. It's way big on me and I keep worrying that it's going to fly off. It has flown off twice, once at Union Station and again yesterday into the bushes near my dorm (that was well annoying.) Tomorrow I have a recital that I'm actually not dreading and hopefully it will go okay. I also have my show tomorrow and have to start on another paper for music history. I can't wait till Friday. Until next time.

Pen Pal

I have a pen pal (a moniker I'm sure he would appreciate.) It's fun and as has been very cathartic because we mostly just talk about music with some side lining into the personal stuff. He really knows his stuff about British music and it's been so refreshing to have someone know as much, if not more, than I do. He also knows a bit about Doctor Who which is always a plus because my sci-fi geek side is as important as my British music geek side. I told my mum about him this morning and her first reaction was worry and "are you sure he's not some old guy?" I personally am not worried because I use my brain and have never revealed any real personal information. Except that one time I mentioned the exact town I live in. But that was four years ago. Still, it's been so nice having someone to distract me from last weeks (almost two weeks) event. Besides, he's "forcing" me into listening to all the bands I know I should be listening to but just haven't gotten around to listening to. Of course he found me through LJ which just adds a layer of oddness to it that I appreciate in a strange way. It's fun though, this pen pal stuff. Lots of fun.

I Can't Be Expected to Be OK After a Week

"What'll I Do" Irving Berlin

What'll I do when you
Are far away
And I'm so blue,
What'll I do?

What'll I do when I
Am wondering who
Is kissing you,
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just
A photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true,
What'll I do?

What'll I do with just
A photograph
To tell my troubles to?

When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true,
What'll I do?

"To The End" Blur

All those dirty words (Jusqu'a la fin)
They make us look so dumb (En plein soleil)
We've been drinking far too much (Jusqu'a la fin)
And neither of us mean what we say (En plein amour)

Well you and I
Collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end

What happened to us? (Jusqu'a la fin)
Soon it will be gone forever (En plein soleil)
Infatuated only with ourselves (Jusqu'a la fin)
And neither of us can think straight anymore. (En plein amour)

Well you and I
Collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it,
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end
When you and I
Collapsed in love
Well, it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end.

(En plein amour)
You and I
Just collapsed in love
And it looks like we might have made it
Yes, it looks like we've made it to the end

(En plein soleil)
(En plein soleil)

Every Record Ever

Now that I've been all emo and shit, here's something highly amusing (and somewhat true) that I got from Cracked.com.

You know it's true, I know it's true, thus it is brilliant. Also, credit for the art work is at bottom right corner. Enjoy!

It's 5th Grade All Over, Except This Time I'm Older

I cried in my bathroom last night. It was the first time since Wednesday I had a proper cry about what happened. I think it was due to a mixture of really good break-up songs (ABBA "The Winner Takes It All") and news/pictures about Katsucon. I felt really pathetic, using the fan in the loo as a way to mask the crying and I didn't feel much better, but I've been trying not to cry since the initial shock so I think it was for the best. I keep using that phrase, but half the time I don't actually believe it. I also have this rather fucked up hope that the bastard will realize he didn't have a good reason for doing this, will ask me back and I'll get to hurt him like he's hurt me. I had the same hope with Miles and look how well that turned out. Which brings me to another point: I had a dream where Miles played both himself and the bastard. That was very strange, if completely relevant. Both betrayed me, both broke up with me out of the clear blue sky and both did nothing to help my trust/self-esteem issues (though I would say Miles was the origin of my trust issues, the grimy little fucker.) Still, it was strange waking up with Miles' face in my brain. The grimy little fucker.
I just want some closure. I want a proper reason and a chance to air my grievances. I want everything I didn't get with Miles. I never got closure, I never got to tell him what he did to me. I doubt I'll ever get that with the bastard, mostly because I won't be able to talk to him, but I want all of it nevertheless. Because maybe if I get closure, I won't hurt as much as I do now. Again, I doubt that's true, but I can hope, since none of it will happen. I'll just solider through and cry in my bathroom when necessary.
On another, somewhat related note, I brought back the hat I bought the bastard for Christmas. It's my hat now and I'm going to wear it as a sign of my (non-existent) strength. It's too big for me, but I don't care really. It's the hat and now it's mine. And I'm wearing it on Friday, just to prove the point. Doctor Who is as much mine as it is his, even more so because I was the reason he really got into it. We'll just see how Friday goes.

Aftermath

I feel I owe you the reading public some kind of explanation for yesterday. Obvious point of fact is Hunter broke up with me. I'm not going to go into details because a) I might start bawling again and b) it was a fairly generic break up. Though his reasoning did include an ingrown toe-nail. Anywho, the point of this entry is to say this: I have so many freakin' amazing people in my life. I've gotten more hugs in the past 24 hours than I usually do in a month. Even people who are friends with Hunter were there for me, calling to check that I was okay. I just am so thankful and grateful to everyone whose been so nice to me over the past day. Especially Joe because he called Hunter a loser, and not just because he's my friend. That made my day. So even though I can't think too hard, have to be constantly distracted, and have to avoid a certain area on campus (which is really awkward), I'm doing okay. And that's entirely because of the wonderful people in my life. Yay them.

Over

I'm speechless right now, but have to mark this day. It's over. All the frustration and tears, for nothing. My mom's getting the v-day gift or at least what I've completed of it. I hate him.

Sad Happy Sad

This is a rather pathetic entry, but if I posted this on Facebook or Twitter, it would just seem even sadder, and I have my standards. I just found out through and AV Club inventory list that Marketa and Glenn have broken up. I'm inordinately sad about this fact. However I can't keep a sad face while listening to Lily Allen (album review later tonight, promise!), but just so you know, I am sad on the inside.
In other news, I finally get to show off during a recital. I'm thrilled, just absolutely stoked. Now if I could play the A harmonic minor scale really fast, it would be absolutely perfect. Still, I'm excited about a recital for the first time since forever. :D
I'm still on the inside though. They were perfect! :sad face:

V-Day Part 1 cont.

Right now I'm taking a break from reading about Japanese history with all of it's incredibly difficult-to-pronounce names and will instead update you lot on my v-day gift for Hunter. I am seriously desperate to avoid work, but if I start watching Gossip Girl again, I will never get this reading done. So, the v-day gift.
Originally I was going to get the bf a fob watch. Then I discovered that fob watches cost as much as one of my dresses and as much as I care about the bf, it seems a bit early to spend that much money on him. So then I was completely lost as to what to get him. I searched and searched, trying to think of something geeky and romantic, with nothing to show for it. Until ThinkGeek.com came to the rescue. I got a flash drive that's packaged in a fake cassette tape fashion (I tried to link to an image, but the site is cooperating with me, so just picture a cassette tape with a small flash drive in the middle.) It holds 90 minutes of music, which has been broken down into two play lists, the first of which I finished last night and second of which I'm almost done with. The second play list is entirely British and consists of all my favourite British artists (well the majority of them anyway). One song each (otherwise the whole thing would be Kaiser Chiefs) and I'm just waiting on Lily Allen's second album to be released so I can decide whether I'm going to feature a song from that album or her first album. I suspect he won't like any of it and will think I'm a big weirdo for making him two play lists while he get's me DW fan art, but I don't care. If he hasn't already figured out that music is my life, he'll get it now.
I also got a card from Etsy.com that says "Shut Up and Kiss Me" with a little Eros* at the bottom. It's stupid and dorky, but so is a card with "XOXO" on it. V-day is just cheesy, and there's nothing he can do about it. I haven't gotten to really celebrate this day since elementary school, so I'm going all dorky and cheesy over it. It's fun to be dorky and cheesy every once in a while.
*Eros, Cupid. It's all the same when you get down to it: A pudgy little guy shooting arrows so people will have sex with each other. And yes, my classics class is going very well, ta.

V-Day Part 1

I've programmed the first part of the play list I'm giving to Hunter for V-day (even though he won't get it on V-day :grumbles incoherently about cons and their stupidity:). It's the mushy romantic part, but about half the songs aren't mushy and romantic, one of the songs isn't even romantic ("Istanbul" for all its wonderful qualities can not be called mushy or romantic) and two, maybe three, of the songs could be considered don't right anti-romantic. Still, it's the sentiment that counts in my opinion. I also told an old friend of mine who's going to Katsucon to punch Hunter in the arm if she sees him. Granted I gave a rather non-descript description of him, but still I think "tall, gangly, and wearing a ridiculous scarf" just about covers it. The chance of the two of them actually seeing each other is astronomical :knocks on wood:, but still it would be highly amusing if Hunter came back saying that some random chick punched him in the arm and said it was from me. Would definitely make up for missing V-day, more so than fan art. In any event, the second part will be pure Brit-pop, which is my way of torturing the poor boy. Still, that's what he gets for missing V-day. Musical (and possibly physical) torture. I'm eeeeeeeeevil.
Edit: Did I mention that one of the songs on mushy romantic is You Can Have It All? Yeah, my idea of a romantic play list is kind of strange.

Amphitheatre Escapades

Well I just had a really lovely afternoon. The weather is gorgeous (currently 72 degrees Fahrenheit) and the sun is shining, so around 12:30 I decided I would enjoy this glorious weather by spending the afternoon at the amphitheatre. So I packed up my books (classics, Asian Civ, and music history) and headed over to the amphitheatre. When I got there, there were already two people there which surprised me since usually I go when no one else is there. Still, I settled down on the steps and started reading one of the many Homeric hymns I have to read for class tomorrow. When the two people that were there left, I started wandering around, as is my wont, and generally enjoying the weather and the freedom of being alone at the amphitheatre. I was listening to my classical mix, reading Homeric hymns and chapters from the Iliad and the Odyssy and just really enjoying the weather and not worrying about a damn thing. The first track on my classical mix is "Bolero" by Ravel and in the middle of said track, I decided to enjoy my freedom and the weather just a little bit more by dancing around like I actually know how to dance. So I was pacing and dancing and leaping about like I'm wont to do when I have this strange feeling that someone else is in the amphitheatre seeing me make an ass out of myself. So I look up from my book (yes I was dancing and reading at the same time, I'm just that good) and who should I see but Heather, Lauren, and Hunter, staring at me. I just about pissed myself from embarrassment. Of course they didn't realize it was me until I stopped dancing, but still. It was an odd moment to say the least. I'm usually much more aware of my surroundings. Still, it was a wonderful afternoon. And dancing to "Bolero" is a lot of fun.

Que Sera

I'm sorry I haven't been updating. My life swings between melodrama and insania depending on the hour and the day. Classes are going well, even if music history does become more frustrating with each passing class. Mostly things are fine I suppose. I'm just stuck in this rut that won't be going anywhere until March by my estimation. Next week is intercollegiate band, but I'm not really looking forward to Saturday for multiple reasons. Still, things aren't so terrible. In the grand scheme of things I'm actually in a very good place. It just doesn't feel that way most of the time. C'est la vie.

Like Father, Like Daughter

I'm a little scared right now. I've always known that I had my dad's stubborn streak and high-mindedness about certain things. I also know that much like my dad I'm prone to self-deprecation, which works in my favour to a certain extent because at least that part of my personality keeps my ego in check. However more and more I'm realizing that my dad and I have something else in common, something that I don't particularly like: passive-aggressiveness. My dad being mad at me has always been worse than my mum being mad at me because my dad doesn't yell. There's no outward show anger at all. He stews until he hits his boiling point, which doesn't happen often. He mostly just stews and acts in a passive-aggressive manner towards the person/people he's mad at. With yelling at least you know what you're getting.
For the past few weeks I've been extremely frustrated with Hunter for a myriad of pointless reasons. I haven't said anything, but lately I've made snide and sarcastic remarks when he and I actually get a chance to talk. Today when he said he was going to hang out some knitting shop down town I told him I hoped he had fun with his yarn. Even though the statement was typed I was thinking it in my head with a bitter and sarcastic tone. What scares me about this is that it's so easy to just continue down this road, never confront the issue, just make pithy and cutting remarks instead. I'll continue to feel bitter, Hunter will remain completely unaware of the problem and nothing will get better, it will just get worse. This relationship is so important to me, but inertia is working against me and I'm too much like my dad. I'll let the problem stew until I hit my boiling point at which point everything will go to hell and a hand basket. That scares me, but I seem incapable of doing anything to change it. People say the first step is admitting you have a problem, but then what? How do you fight inertia?
God, I've gone so emo. At least I still listen to relatively happy music.