8.9.08

Thinking Too Much

I've been trying to avoid thinking too hard about my life and what I'm going through right because if I do think about it, I become depressed. I'm not in a particularly bad place, so much as my social life is lacking a considerable amount of socialness. But the condrum I face is that if I think about this lack of a real social life, I become depressed, which leads to inertia on all fronts including school. And so I'm left with what I see as two options: Do nothing about my social life and focus on not being depressed so I can do well in school or try and do something about my social life, become depressed about the whole situation, and do badly in school. The reason I see it this way is because my ultimate goal for college (other than graduating obviously) is to study abroad my junior year. To do that I have to have a certain overall GPA that is considerably higher than I've ever achieved. So when thinking about my predicatment (which trust me only occurs on Saturdays when I have nothing going on and am sitting by myself in my room) I tend to think about it in terms of my performance in school versus my overall happiness. Since there is plenty outside of social interaction that makes me happy I try to focus on those things and not the fact that I basically have no friends, eat all of my meals alone, and spend most of my time after classes alone in my room. Which isn't nearly as easy as it sounds. My one fervent hope is that I meet someone who latches onto me so that I can say I have at least one friend. Sure, I may end up resenting them to a certain degree, but at least I'll have a friend. All of which I try not to think about too much because it makes me depressed and I can't deal with depression right now.

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