If Only

If I could get everything floating around in my head off my chest, if we could just talk about my issues for a little bit, so he could understand what's going on in my head, I think things would be better if not necessarily easier. There would still be some things in the way, but it would be better. If there was a guide or a template I could work from an example of how this is suppose to work I would feel more comfortable knowing that this is how it's suppose to work. If I could trust myself and my own judgement and if he weren't so damn horny I wouldn't be so confused and unsure of everything. If he had listened when I said I wanted to take things slow and I hadn't allowed my pent up sexual energy run the show we wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be so frustrated with myself. If I lived under a rock things would be so much easier. I try to go along with things and not let my paranoia and psychosis get in the way, but when all is said and done they're still there haunting me and calling into question every aspect of this relationship. I want Prince Charming and have decided that settling for a person is just fine and I can be happy with that, but then the memories of fifth grade and Miles come back and make me wonder how long this will all last. If he hadn't happened, if I didn't hold onto that experience like a safety blanket or protective shield, I wouldn't be calling into question every move we make and every little thing we do. It was all so much easier when I could believe that romance worked in the real world the same way it does in musicals and books. I wish I had someone neutral to talk to about all of this, just so I could know I'm not losing my mind. I wish Farber was here. He always seems to know what to do, even if I don't usually follow his advice.
I don't want to take back what's happened. I just wish I knew where this was all headed towards.