22.11.05

Thunder Thighs/Thundering Voice

I have huge thighs. I can't wear skirts or tight pants because they are so big. Mums say I don't, but she's lying through her teeth. I have huge thighs.
On the other hand I have a huge voice. When I sing loudly or even talk loudly I can pretty much fill up the space I'm in. I'm not a soprano but neither was Patsy Cline or Ella Fitzgerald. I'm in good company.
I do have pimples. And scars from past pimples. I have red splotches all over my forehead. I constantly worry them because I'm so stressed. It feels like there's little I can do about the cause or the effect. I'm kinda SOL in that area.
Of course this year is going comparatively well for me. Good grades, happy social life, no parental problems (for the most part.) I'm not hiding things like I did last year which means that around report card time I'm sleeping better than I did last year. So actually this year is going really well for me.
Then there's my gut. It's changes between slightly lumpy to "I'm wearing a sweatshirt, again" big. Last night I was looking in the mirror and started bouncing up and down. Yeah it start giggling. At least my pants still fit.
I have friends. 'Nough said.
Men (some men) are afraid of me. Or at least they don't consider me "girlfriend" material. I assume this because no one has asked me out. I know guys. I don't know. Men and romance confuse to some extent. For all my dreaming (and wishing and hoping) I've got nothing to show. I'm no one's arm candy. I've never been kissed. Am I too smart? Too tall? Not pretty enough? To out spoken? What the hell is wrong with me???? I'm nice. I've got more patient with men. I talk to them. What the hell did I do wrong??
So I have low self esteem when it comes to my body. My self esteem has never been very high anyway. Just gotten worse with all the failing and near failing grades I've gotten. I've been hovering around 175lbs for a year now. I may be 5'10" but I've still got a belly. And those thunder thighs.

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