It's 5th Grade All Over, Except This Time I'm Older

I cried in my bathroom last night. It was the first time since Wednesday I had a proper cry about what happened. I think it was due to a mixture of really good break-up songs (ABBA "The Winner Takes It All") and news/pictures about Katsucon. I felt really pathetic, using the fan in the loo as a way to mask the crying and I didn't feel much better, but I've been trying not to cry since the initial shock so I think it was for the best. I keep using that phrase, but half the time I don't actually believe it. I also have this rather fucked up hope that the bastard will realize he didn't have a good reason for doing this, will ask me back and I'll get to hurt him like he's hurt me. I had the same hope with Miles and look how well that turned out. Which brings me to another point: I had a dream where Miles played both himself and the bastard. That was very strange, if completely relevant. Both betrayed me, both broke up with me out of the clear blue sky and both did nothing to help my trust/self-esteem issues (though I would say Miles was the origin of my trust issues, the grimy little fucker.) Still, it was strange waking up with Miles' face in my brain. The grimy little fucker.
I just want some closure. I want a proper reason and a chance to air my grievances. I want everything I didn't get with Miles. I never got closure, I never got to tell him what he did to me. I doubt I'll ever get that with the bastard, mostly because I won't be able to talk to him, but I want all of it nevertheless. Because maybe if I get closure, I won't hurt as much as I do now. Again, I doubt that's true, but I can hope, since none of it will happen. I'll just solider through and cry in my bathroom when necessary.
On another, somewhat related note, I brought back the hat I bought the bastard for Christmas. It's my hat now and I'm going to wear it as a sign of my (non-existent) strength. It's too big for me, but I don't care really. It's the hat and now it's mine. And I'm wearing it on Friday, just to prove the point. Doctor Who is as much mine as it is his, even more so because I was the reason he really got into it. We'll just see how Friday goes.