It's Friday Again (So It's Probably Best to Ignore Me)

I hate him. I hate him for being my first. I hate him for moving on so quickly. I hate him for breathing. I hate him for laughing and acting like a normal person. I hate him for being nice to me when I'm so cold towards him. I hate him for making me care. I hate him for making me cry. I hate him for being so completely oblivious to how much he continues to hurt me by just existing. I hate him for making me feel so completely shitty. I hate him. I think I'll always hate him. I wish I had never said yes to watching that stupid movie with him. I hate myself for allowing him to do this to me. But most of all, I hate him for not noticing. I wish I could leave this school, go some place new. Somewhere far from him and everything that reminds me of him. From the tangled web and tension filled situations, where I'm the only one who feels any tension. I want to start over. I want him to understand all of this and to feel all this pain. I want him to feel all this hurt and anger. I hate him completely. And I'm sorry to all the people who have to even know about all of this. If I had known that this would be how things would turn out, I would never have said yes to anything.
I still hate him. I promise not to do this again though. You have all read it enough times to know how I feel. I just wish I had some rum right now. Or more chocolate.
I do try to act like a normal person though. Sometimes though, it's just too hard to keep the mask on. Tonight just happened to be one of those nights. Still, I'm sorry. It's not fair to the rest of you.