There's an idea that I keep hitting up against in my therapy sessions.* Maybe not an idea more like a truth: It's amazing how negative experiences early on life have more of an impact on how you react and act in the world than any positive experience during the same time period.
When I was little (probably 8 or 9) I was convinced that I was suppose to be a boy. I didn't feel comfortable in the female world. There was so much confusion and no one was straight forward about anything. I loved girly things, but girls themselves were just too confusing. Boys on the other hand were straight forward. They said what they meant and meant what they said. So clearly, since I didn't really fit in the girls world that meant I was suppose to be a boy. When I told this to other people, including my mom, I was shot down. I never talked about it again.
I don't feel that way any more. Yes, women are still confusing as hell and I do sometimes wish I was a guy just to make my life easier, but I don't think I was suppose to be a boy. Instead what I got from people's reaction to my declaration of being the wrong sex was that you don't talk about those things. You don't talk about sex, you don't bring up how you feel about any of it. It's private and you keep it to yourself.
As a by-product I am very well known for being a prude. I don't talk about sex, I don't even like thinking about talking about sex. It's private and I keep my thoughts on the subject to myself. When friends in high school talked about masturbation and other related things I got uncomfortable. I couldn't understand how they could be so open about such things. Didn't they know the rule? When they made crude jokes I didn't laugh, I just felt weird.
All of this isn't to say that I don't think about sex. I think about it nearly every day. I don't do things other people do** and I've often wondered if I'm asexual, but the fact of it is that I am a sexual being. I've had sex actually. Didn't enjoy it at all. But again, it's something you keep private. The dreams and the fantasies are things you keep to yourself. You don't talk about them.
Well until now. Like nearly everything else I broadcast on here, I'm writing this because there are things I need to get off my chest. Like the dreams. Obviously I'm not going to be graphic, but this is something I've been wrestling with in one way or another since high school. So I think now is the best time to talk about it. To be blunt, really, incredibly blunt, I like girls. I've had exactly one boyfriend and numerous crushes on boys, but I like the Ken doll version of boys. Male genitalia immediately turns me off. Women on the other hand, not so much. I feel uncomfortable about everything having to do with sex, but the idea of having sex with a women seems far more appealing than sex with a guy. I can't say I've had any conscious crushes on women, but there are women who I've known that I found attractive and felt somewhat attracted to. But it's confusing.
There are pros and cons to "coming out." There's a whole...I don't want to say culture, but it's the best I can think of right now. There's a whole culture to "coming out" that I don't feel comfortable with. I support gay and lesbian and transgender/sexual rights because I see no good reason to not support it. On the other hand I don't really think I'm a lesbian. I also don't think I'm bisexual. I think I like girls, but since I don't have any real experience I can't say that's true definitively. I was absolutely positive I was going to like sex, but that didn't turn out the way I thought it was going to, so who's to say I'm right about this. All which is to say I don't want to come out as anything. I don't really even want people to know I think about these things.***
It's private I suppose. If or until I actually meet someone I want to be with it's all theoretical anyway. More than anything it's confusing and private. But it's a confusion that won't go away, which says a lot I think.
*This should be indication that shits going to get personal. Turn away if that makes you uncomfortable
**You know...that word I said like four sentences ago. Starts with a "m."
***Which may beg the question why I'm writing about this stuff in a public blog, but hey I never said I was consistent.
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