Entry Part 1 --- Scared Shitless

I hear birds chirping outside my window. It's March and about a month till spring break. Which means there's about a month till the end of the third quarter. I'm scared shitless of my recent behavior but silently determined not to let myself undermine me. The weather doesn't scream spring but I know it's around the corner. Trees have started blooming and my eyes are determined to kill me by sheer force of itchyness. Less than two months till my birthday. Everything is adding up to the end of school, which is only 3 months away. You'd be suprised how quickly 3 months can go by.
I'm scared of being a senior because I'm scared of going to college. I'm scared of graduating, moving away from my comfort zone. Everyone is looking to the summer while I look to the future, black and unknown. I've yet to conquer my demons and I know that if I don't do it soon acceptance letters and dorm rooms will be dancing in front of my face, tempting me to abandon what I've been working towards. God I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of next year. I'm scared of applications. I'm scared of not having anyone older than me. I'll be the oldest and God if I'm not scared. I'm scared of the rest of this year, scared that I might fall back on my old habits because I'm so scared.
Ridiculous to be thinking about all of this now, with 3 months of school left and another 2 and half months till school starts up again. Stupid is another way to put it. Freaking myself out before it even begins. But everyone keeps talking about summer, how excited they are about school ending. Everyone wants it to end while I'm holding onto the reminants of my childhood for dear life. Less than a 2 months and I'll be a legal adult. Why does anyone want to grow up?
No one can see the fear though. I'm good at hiding this stuff. But it's there, hiding behind my self assured grin. I talk about going to college, I talk about how excited I am about being a senior. What I really mean is that I'm excited about the theory, the idea, the concept of being a senior, of going to college. Actually doing those things? Being a senior? Scares the shit out of me. But I'll keep pushing. Keep hiding behind the smile I put on my face most days of the week. Maybe by the time it all happens I'll have convinced myself that it isn't so bad, so scary. Maybe.